Dear Love Doc,
I really enjoy your paper and think it’s great, but I would like to see more of a section on cryptocurrencies as they are all the rage these days. Thank you.
– David
Cryptocurrency is trending these days? Are you kidding me? It literally crawled out of crypto? Bitcoin started in 2009. That was 15 years ago. Dammit, David. If you’d said “artificial intelligence” or “Luca Doni triple double” or “Trump farts” I might have jumped on your bandwagon, but cryptocurrency? Come on, you’re saying that everyone who works in crypto is Chronicle You might think we’re irresponsible fools because we’re still dragging our feet. A Weekend at Barneys The corpse of print journalism. “If I were to call that country Chronicle If I’m going to write about crypto, can I just dump some of this damn helium I bought listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast?’ David, I’m sick of you. Wow. Preying on the rich for crypto get rich quick schemes is so 2016. Again, have you ever heard of AI? In the future, the only scumbags emptying the 401(k)s of Baby Boomers will be artificial things like you, and they won’t be pitching crypto. They’ll be sex slaves to super slutty robots with 2 hour shifts. Even Ashton Kutcher is doing reverse cowgirl with an AI, so don’t bring your broke crypto scams here. We’re too busy trying to figure out what soft drugs are, where to get them, and why the Dutch hate Nicki Minaj. Maybe Meek Mill is Pennsylvania Dutch.
Getting rich quick with virtual currency is like 2016
Incidentally, David, we all know that the most valuable currency is self-esteem. Self-esteem is priceless and I sincerely hope that one day you will tap into that huge mine. Don’t get me wrong, money is great. Cryptocurrency is probably great too, at least if you could figure out how to toss it in the tip bin of some embarrassingly awkward street mime’s hat and drive him away. But no amount of money can fill the deep pits of your tormented dark soul. The hollow, empty, isolated loneliness you feel now will still be there after you grab that gold ring. Money won’t solve that then, just like it doesn’t now. If you can learn to be happy regardless of the balance in your bank account, you’ll be a really wealthy man.
Think about it. Even if you could be Elon Musk, would you? What about Jeff Bezos? Or Mohammed bin Salman? Sure, flying around in your private 747 and randomly slicing critical journalists might be fun for a while, but eventually you have to sleep with yourself… or with someone who pretends to like you but secretly attacks you with hate. You know… like Grimes and Elon Musk. Don’t tell Techno Mechanicus, Mommy just wanted a new house.
What I’m trying to say is that cryptocurrency may be attractive and it certainly could be your, and maybe the world’s, salvation, but like any other currency, it’s useless unless it’s tied to something that actually has value, like soft drugs or a super horny robot sex slave that you know you have to rent because it’s more expensive than a new iPhone. Therefore, I would recommend you give up on cryptocurrency and start investing in yourself. Even if it means spending the rest of your life on it, which it most certainly will, cryptocurrency is the best investment you can make.
