It is never easy to reexamine one’s fundamental beliefs, but I am now forced to question my previous disbelief in the existence of Satan. The fact that my electronic devices sometimes seem possessed by demons forces me to confront this ugly possibility.
Now, let me start by saying that I’m not someone who has an inherent animosity towards personal technology. I’ve been known to be perfectly reasonable when a self-checkout at a supermarket refuses to let me proceed until I’ve placed my last purchased item in the bagging area. I patiently explain, sometimes with dramatic physical reenactments, that I actually placed the product directly in the center of the bagging area and even inside the bag itself.
Despite these sympathetic efforts, I find the technology leaving a lot to be desired. I am hated within the silicon-based community, and the situation has gotten so bad that I can think of possible malevolent beings such as Beelzebub, Lucifer, and the Dark Lord.
Let me tell you about something that happened last Friday when technology was particularly mean to me. I woke up in Chicago to find that my cell phone, which normally charges through a port on the bottom, was no longer accepting charges from that entry point. I didn’t think much of it, thinking I could just clean up the dust or something.
I then tried to pair it with my earbuds, which normally pair automatically. I haven’t done anything. This happens from time to time, so I plugged in a spare pair of earphones, the kind that sound like music coming from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. These devices also refused to have a conversation. When I went to my phone’s Bluetooth page, all I saw was a bunch of “not connected” messages.
I did what any seasoned technician would do. I rubbed the earbuds against my phone in seductive circles, thinking it might encourage intimacy. I put the phone in my ear and pressed it against my cheek with sexy, gentle but firm pressure. Still, my phone and earphones refused to sync. People talk a lot about artificial intelligence, but not enough about artificial stubbornness.
As I rushed to the airport, the Find My app rubbed salt into the wound and told me I had forgotten my earbuds, which my phone never recognized in the first place. At the airport, I had the idea to try cleaning the charging port using suction technology. So let’s say you were at Midway International Airport last Friday and a small child asked, “Why is that person on his cell phone?” That man was me.
I flew with confidence knowing that Southwest Airlines has very reliable Wi-Fi service. But the flight attendant tells him that it didn’t work this time and that it’s because of Satan. When he returned home, he discovered that his home’s Wi-Fi was also not working. I solved the problem by turning it off and then on. This is a maneuver that shows I’m “tech savvy,” as Silicon Valley types would say.
I had to print 6 documents while I was at home. I used to have a printer that worked great, but one day it decided that the ink cartridge was “broken” and refused to print any more. I purchased more cartridges from my printer’s manufacturer, but my printer still noticed something suspicious about all the new cartridges. It’s like he’s a QAnon member observing national politics.
I bought a new printer and I’m feeling vain. Requesting something to be printed is like applying to Harvard University. The company was willing to print Daedalus’ essays and academic papers on aging, but was reluctant to print other He Four documents just from newspapers and websites. Like Bartleby the Scrivener, you wouldn’t want that.
If you are reading this account, you may be thinking that I am the problem. I’m just a tech idiot and don’t know how to solve the problem. I’m open to this possibility. The last time I went car shopping, I lost track in 0.7 seconds when the salesman started explaining the new model’s amazing electronic features. But I remind you of a central reality. A gizmo that worked one moment stopped working the next. I want my technology to have many capabilities, but free will is not one of them.
As I write this sad story, just as a deadline approaches, my computer is warning me that it needs to shut down to run an important security update. For 10 years, if I deleted an email on my phone, it would also be deleted on my laptop, but one day that stopped working. Every time I use the same computer to log on to my bank’s website, I receive an email informing me that a new device has been detected. And don’t even get me started on subjective security questions. How do I remember what my favorite pizza topping was when I opened that account 15 years ago? People grow and change.
I’m thinking of finding a priest who can do some serious technological exorcisms, like in those old Linda Blair movies. Before that, before my computer crashes, I’m going to send this to my editor $^%#&*((@”+!%#.