At this point, I can confidently call myself a Pittsburgh resident. Although my driver’s license is from my home state of Illinois, I spend nearly nine months of the year in our beloved Steel City. This will be my first time spending an entire summer here, and I’m looking forward to exploring the city, getting to know the neighborhoods better, and spending time with friends who’ll be here throughout the warm, lantern-filled months.
But this doesn’t mean I can neglect my relationships back home. I call my parents almost every day and my brother every few weeks, but that’s easy. It’s the friendships that require the most effort. My parents and I are both busy. They’re not obligated to pick up the phone like my mom is, and that can be an issue.
Luckily, as someone who has maintained relationships with several long-distance friends over the past three years, I can confidently say that it’s possible. The internet is full of advice for long-distance relationships, but what do you do if phone sex and dirty talk aren’t a satisfying way to keep your best friend close to you?
I’m no expert, but the truth is, you should expect to lose some relationships when you move, but if both you and your friends make an effort, you can easily maintain friendships as if they still lived nearby.
- Don’t force texting.
As an extreme introvert and email hater, I have a very strong tendency to go days without texting people. Some people — parents, grandparents, partners — try to respond in a timely manner, but I just don’t have the mental bandwidth or social energy to keep texting them all the time. Establishing early on in a long-distance friendship that it’s totally normal not to text every second of every day will help strengthen your bond and keep you from becoming exhausted or feeling like you have to devote every free moment to updating your friend on your life.
My best friend Hannah and I have been friends since kindergarten. We are one of the lucky few couples who managed to escape the fights of elementary school and the dramas of middle school. Even years ago, when we didn’t go to the same school but lived within a 10-minute walk of each other, we didn’t feel obligated to text each other all the time. Now, with her traveling the world and me with my busy schedule at university, we live over 300 miles away from each other except for holidays and summers, we don’t feel obligated to text each other all the time. We may go hours or even days without speaking, but that doesn’t make her my best friend. Not talking gives us the energy to talk about more interesting things. Our agreement that this method of communication works for us keeps us in touch no matter how busy we are without burning out.
- Plan in-person activities.
As a college student, I was confident that I would always be able to come home to Illinois for the holidays. As we get older and our friends move around the country, or even the world, that gets harder. But whether you have set dates or know exactly when you’ll be together again, it’s always good to plan activities and time to spend together when you are actually together.
Another long-distance friend and I text even less frequently than Hannah and I do. But whenever I get home, Veda and I make a promise to watch a classic Barbie movie together at least once. I’m not talking about the Greta Gerwig movie, I’m talking about The Princess and the Pauper, Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses, and Barbie and the Three Musketeers. No matter what’s going on or how often I get home, Veda and I always make this plan and follow it. It gives us something to talk about during the months I’m away and is a great way to catch up and chat before playing my 15-year-old CDs. Who knows if Veda and I would be as close as we are today without this long-standing tradition and making these plans while we were in school?
- Use funny apps and memes.
I really mean it when I say that sending memes and TikTok videos has helped me stay in touch with various friends back home. Sometimes it’s just too hard to make plans, meet up with each other, and keep up a constant conversation over text. But when you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, TikTok, or any other app, it only takes five seconds to send something to a friend you’re trying to stay in touch with. Even if it’s just a few messages back and forth, it shows them you’re thinking about them and gives them something to talk about.
I hate to admit that most of my childhood friendships remain this way, but truly, I don’t think I would have been in touch with many of the people back home if it weren’t for some of our shared interests and the diversity we see on TikTok pages. My friends and I can slide into each other’s direct messages with a funny Bridgerton meme, a craving for a beloved Marvel superhero, or a video of Taylor Swift singing our favorite song. Though we don’t see each other every time we go back home, this form of communication keeps us in touch and gives us plenty to talk about when we do meet.
- Recognize that friendships change.
I think the key to maintaining a long distance friendship is not to force it and to recognize that relationships change and shift throughout life. It’s impossible to maintain a long distance friendship as if you were apart, but it takes a lot of effort and time. But in most cases, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to keep it the same.
Friendships grow with you, and at the end of the day, people deserve a relationship where the effort is mutual. You can’t expect all your friends to be 100% all the time, but you should hold yourself and your friends to higher standards. If you’re putting in the effort you deserve and they’re not putting in the effort you need or think is enough, it’s probably best to acknowledge that at this point in your life, you’re not as close as you used to be. That friendship may have dwindled to an annual coffee brunch when you visit your hometown or simply liking or commenting on their Instagram posts, but forcing the relationship to be the way it was will only lead to resentment. You can still love someone and wish them happiness, even if you’re not as close as you used to be.
Becoming an adult is hard, and breaking up with a friend can seem like one of the hardest things. Maintaining a long-distance friendship isn’t as hard as you might think if everyone involved makes an effort. Sure, closeness may wax and wane over time, but if you still care about the person, putting in the effort to maintain the relationship shouldn’t feel like a struggle in the first place.
Livia LaMarca is an assistant editor on the Opinion desk who is nostalgic for the Oxford comma. She writes primarily about American political discourse, American pop culture, and social movements. You can email her at email address Share your thoughts!
