About five years ago, as friends died, drifted apart, or moved away, I decided to shore up my friendships. I asked three coworkers out to lunch. Then a second lunch. On the third, I asked them if it would be worth it to date their spouses. After three successful dinners, I invited them over to my house to watch a college basketball game. Two couples had a blast, and I call them my “basketball clique.” We are a happy, emotionally supportive, and loving group of friends.
“Tag!! It’s you!!!”
Diane Singleton, Okemos, Michigan
Paul and I have been friends since we met at an archaeological dig in New Mexico in 1968. We have many common interests: archaeology, Native American culture, and Rachel Maddow. Whenever I go to a Pueblo festival, I always find something I’ve never seen before.
But we complement each other. I am Jewish and Paul is an atheist. But I got him interested in Torah study, and he attends more Sabbath dinners, Passover seders, and other celebrations than most members of my church. His wife is also an atheist, but is a member of the Sisters of God at my church. Our interests and skills often complement each other. He is a talented mechanic, I am not. I am a very good editor, and he usually invites me to edit something he writes.
Gordon Bronitsky, Albuquerque
At 67, I am in the enviable position of being part of a diverse group of women. What’s great is that with 14 of us, we can choose to go to Thursday dinners, the occasional concert, day trips, or a few cruises. If we can’t or don’t want to go, we don’t feel guilty. With that many of us, we can spend time together without getting bored of each other. It’s fun to reunite and hear each other’s stories, to know that each of us has had and is struggling with great challenges. We rush through crisis situations, and try to laugh rather than cry. Some are divorced, some are married. In the toughest times, I consider these friends the most important part of my mental health and the most beautiful part of aging.
Carol Jones, Lake Forest, Illinois
I wrote this note right before I woke up for a walk in the mountains with my two best friends. Exercising together is a great way to pass the time. We weed each other’s houses and get the job done faster. Oh, and how about mending together? Bring along that quilt with a hole in it or that sweater you haven’t started yet and we’ll sit down and laugh and work on a project together.
Nancy Seldin Missoula, Montana
I have a friend who I’ve had monthly lunch with for 47 years. Mike and I met on a softball team that was formed by a mutual friend. Over those years, we’ve shared the births of children, the joys of childhood, the thrills of marriage, and the deaths of parents, siblings, and children. The secret to our enduring friendship is consistency in communication. We didn’t hesitate to call each other when an event happened in our lives. We’re meeting for lunch again next week before he leaves for a family trip. But it’s getting harder and harder to remember whose turn it is to pay.
William Snyder, Waukee, Iowa
Whenever I go out with friends, I always leave without setting a date for our next date. The final step after every dinner, quiz night, Zoom call, or flea market outing is to pull out my calendar and set a date for our next date. It works, and my friends love it. Now they remind me when I forget. I learned this technique from my 80-year-old aunt, who uses it among her circle of female friends.
Elizabeth McKinstry, Springfield, Massachusetts
At 84 years old, it is important for me to stay connected with my friends, especially those from high school and college. Since then, I have made some friends who are special to me. It is easier to have lunch dates at a local deli a few times a year and sit and talk for a few hours. I always tip the waiter $20-30 up front and tell him I will be there for a few hours so we can talk and eat delicious food undisturbed. I have told some of these friends that I love them like brothers. We are free to express our thoughts openly and really listen to each other. Although some have passed away in the past few years, the memories of these lunches will always be special in my heart.
Philip Kaufman, Meadowbrook, Pennsylvania
I visit friends from middle school who live in other cities and countries. When I moved from my country of birth, Mexico, at age 19, there were no cell phones, no email, no quick, cheap way to stay in touch. International long distance calls were expensive.
I sent handwritten letters to close friends, then as technology evolved I started using email, Myspace (remember that?), etc. When I had the time, I would visit friends who lived in other places, or meet up at a central location once every few years.
Last year, as we all started turning 50, I promised myself that I would see all my closest friends wherever we were celebrating this milestone birthday: Las Vegas, Merida, Mexico, Amsterdam, Cartagena, Colombia, Jupiter, Florida, etc. My final trip will be to Cancun, Mexico this fall. I’m calling it the “Tour de 50.”
Alejandra X. Castañeda, Denver
I feel like not doing certain things has made our friendship stronger.
I run a struggling business. During my first year, I had a faint face of success and excitement even though I was exhausted and consumed. Now I tell people that it’s hard and a struggle to keep things going, but I’m hanging in there. I trust that people will understand the truth, even when it’s hard. They respect that, empathize, and offer to help. This builds trust and friendships with other business owners who are at least willing to listen to me and open up about how hard their businesses are. They’re all struggling, but they don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
I also stopped doom-scrolling on Facebook and told my friends that I would no longer check Facebook regularly because the fear of missing out was real and it was not adding any benefit to my life or happiness.
Mark Burrows, Carbondale, Colorado
I keep my friendships vibrant by maintaining open communication. I tell my friends when I’m happy, when things aren’t going well, when they want to hear things they don’t want to hear. I share my celebrations, my wins, and my losses. My friends know my spirit, my soul, my fears, and the areas I can grow in. We enjoy creating space for each other with daily text chats, impromptu happy hours, and planned trips. We eat together, get healthy, feel down, bounce back, disagree, shop, and love on each other as often as we can. And our families share in our friendship too.
Charmaine TurnerBaltimore
I don’t shy away from telling my friends, both men and women, that I love them — I have done so since at least my teenage years — and it has never interfered with any of my other relationships or my 47 years of happy marriage.
Betsy Rosen, Ross, California
I have a message I learned to send from another good friend: it’s simply the “Friend Check.” It does two things: it reminds the person that I’m a Friend with a capital F and that I’m asking about their status. We respond as best we can then and there and set up a call or visit if necessary. It works.
Lee Ann Swanson Peete, St. Paul, Minnesota
My friends and I call and meet regularly and try new activities, like making our own lipstick and perfume and traveling to places neither of us have been before. I also support the activities my friends are involved in, like attending art events and fundraisers. I remember important dates, like birthdays, anniversaries, and important medical appointments, and check in with them accordingly. I also let my friends know how much I enjoy spending time with them and thank them for supporting me when I was going through a difficult time. If I feel like there is a distance between us, I ask them if they feel the same and if they have done something that made them uncomfortable.
I treat friendships as living things that require ongoing nourishment, appreciation, and attention.
Maria Esposito, Staten Island
