It all started when CNN host Dana Bash suggested they were only slightly older than igneous rock. If elected, they would both be the oldest presidents in history. People are worried. How much would it cost to turn the White House into a nursing home?
So while they were bragging about how great they were doing, the conversation turned to golf “handicaps.” In golf, every avid player has a handicap, and the lower the number, the better. A 10 is a pretty good score, meaning your average score will be about 10 strokes over par. A 30 is a really bad score, meaning you should probably take up pickleball.
Biden: “When I was vice president, my handicap went down to six.”
I slapped myself on the forehead. Biden stumbled up to the podium as if he was in shackles so no one on earth believed he was a 6. Trump yelled, “That’s the biggest lie ever, that he’s a 6 handicap!” Biden quickly changed it to an “8,” which made it even worse. It was as if someone was saying, “Okay, wait. I remember. I didn’t knock out Muhammad Ali. I knocked out Joe Frazier.”
But … the United States Golf Association’s online handicapping website lists Biden’s handicap at Fieldstone Golf Club in Delaware as 6.7.
Hmm. The site’s statistics are updated and accurate depending on the scores players enter, but Biden hasn’t entered a new score in six years. Looking at him now, you wonder if he’ll ever break 100. Nine times.
Plus, why would you try to spit better than a llama? You could brag about your gym workouts or bike riding. Trump already corners the market on ridiculous golf lies. He’s always telling passersby that his handicap is 2.5, which is a huge lie. Sure, the USGA handicap website lists his handicap as 2.5, but did I mention they rely on golfers’ honesty? Trump is no more of a 2.5 handicap than Mitch McConnell is a breakdancer.
I’ve played golf with Trump. He’s good off the tee, but he shanks shots, chips, and steals putts. In fact, his handicap is about 10 or 12, and that’s with the help of a caddie, who throws the ball out of the bunker and kicks the ball out of the bunker.
So, to summarise, if Biden is a 6 handicap then an elephant can hula hoop, and if Trump is a 2.5 then an elephant can hula hoop up a flagpole.
Trump: “I’m in great health. I just won two regular club championships, not the senior ones.”
Now, this sentence contains so many lies that you’ll need an abacus.
Nearly every country club holds an annual “club championship” for its members. Typically, top golfers of all ages play over two days to see who is the best. They have to sink every putt and follow every rule, both of which Trump rarely does. And yet, somehow, he “wins.” two Club Championship?
In my half-century of golfing, I have never seen anyone over 55 win a club championship, let alone a 78-year-old built like the Liberty Bell. And according to members I know at Trump’s club, I still haven’t won one.
Plus, we already know that Trump hasn’t actually “won” a club championship, or even a senior championship. He hijacks, steals, and makes them up. Before he was in politics, he once told me that if he bought a new golf course (he has about 16), he would play the first “club championship” by himself. Look, he’s the champion. He also “won” a championship in New Jersey while in Philadelphia, “won” a championship he didn’t even play in, and apparently “won” another championship at a club in Florida while he was overseas hanging out with Kim Jong Un.
At least at the debate, after his nonsense about winning two club championships, Trump spread the most golf-related hoax I’d ever heard.
Trump: “You’d have to be pretty smart to do that.”
No, not really. I’ve met some of the best golfers in the world, some of whom are so insensitive that they bend the light around them.
What Biden should have said at this point was, “Call us if you win on your preferred course.” do not “I own it, Donald.” Because Trump never owned it.
The entire debate went like this: Trump told stupid lies and left his jaw wide open waiting for a knockout punch, while Biden muttered about Scranton instead.
Yeah, it was bad for Biden, but I don’t care. I’d rather have an old man than a con man. Debates are like golf. Sometimes you’re going to do something out of place. I’d give Biden a second chance. God knows Trump will.
