Donald Trump: Great! So can I just talk? Can I say whatever I want?
Dana Bash: That’s right! Tell me anything!
TRUMP: And can no one stop me, even if I say really vile and dehumanizing things like we live in a “rat’s nest” because of immigrants, or go on and on about how Democrats want post-birth abortions?
Tupperware: We have someone who will fact-check this in real time, if you remember, and his name is President Joe Biden, but he might not do it because he has his own plans tonight.
President Biden: I’m going to put on a show where a source close to me tells me I have a cold midway through the debate. But don’t worry, I’m sure Americans can see behind the facade and see what I’m trying to say. It’s well known that in debates, people see behind the facade. People don’t even watch the debates, they read the transcripts afterwards, and when they come across a factual question, they slowly Google the right answer. Most homes don’t even have a TV. Many listen on the radio.
Tupperware: Talk about abortion.
TRUMP: Personally, I think there should be exceptions for rape, incest, and the life of the mother, but some people don’t. Just follow your heart. Just do what you feel. Unless you live in a state governed by people who don’t, in which case it’s tough.
Biden: “I’ll support it Roe v. Wade“It was divided into three periods. The first was between women and doctors. The second was between doctors and extreme circumstances. The third was between doctors, that is, women, and the state.” (Quoted verbatim!) The good news is that I’ve heard that no one watches cable TV anymore.
Tupperware: Mr. Trump, we hear you’re planning unprecedented mass deportations. How are you going to deport entire families who have been here for decades?
TRUMP: I won’t answer questions, but I’m happy to say nasty things about immigrants!
Biden: At least my screen isn’t constantly split-screened while Donald Trump is speaking so I don’t have to think about facial expressions and can focus on coming up with more stats to add to my confusing answers.
Bash: That is certainly true.
Biden: Switch to Peacock now to watch Team USA’s Olympic Qualifiers.
Tupperware: What about foreign policy?
TRUMP: I think we can all agree that if I was president, none of the bad things that are happening in foreign policy would have happened. In fact, nothing bad happened when I was president. All the bad things happened after Joe Biden became president. All the bad things that have happened in American history happened under Joe Biden’s administration. Charlottesville happened under my administration, but I didn’t think it was bad. And I think Gettysburg happened under Lincoln’s administration, but it was more bittersweet than bad.
Biden: I would provide Israel with all the ammunition they ask for, except for certain very large bombs, which would be a mistake because they would kill civilians. The only kind of weapons I would provide are the kinds that would accidentally kill civilians.
Tupperware: Please consult us about child-rearing.
TRUMP: I won’t. Joe Biden is the worst president ever.
Biden: I don’t think so. Historians have come together and agreed that Donald Trump was the worst president.
Andrew Johnson and James Buchanan: Yay!
Biden: Trump is a convicted felon and I feel it is my responsibility to bring that up.
TRUMP: I am under attack by the corrupt machinery of the “American justice system” for “breaking the law” which is “illegal”. Joe Biden orchestrated it all and no one can sue without his permission, so his next move was to have my son arrested for possession of a firearm.
Tupperware: Are you both too old to be president?
Biden: I’ve had people complain before that I’m too young, and I’m sure this is a good answer: don’t tell me about the passage of time.
TRUMP: I’ve taken the cognitive test twice and I’m good at golf.
Biden: During the Obama administration, my handicap dropped to a very low level.
TRUMP: That’s a big lie. This guy lies all the time. Which one am I? Sorry. I might have had a Freaky Friday.
Biden: My handicap was good.
TRUMP: I’m going to play golf with you now.
Biden: My handicap is 6 or 8. If you bring your clubs, let’s play golf together right now.
TRUMP: Hey, don’t act like a child.
Bash: America, do you feel the cold hand of fear grip your heart as two men over 75 argue about golf handicaps? Do you feel the sensation of something dying, and dread seeing what that thing is that is dead, for fear that it might be hope? Do you wake up in a cold sweat and wonder: How did we get to this? How did we decide that live television was the best way to decide who should run our country? And this How was the performance?
Biden: Did you hear? My opponent called me young.
