Photo credit: Contribute
Bonnie Jean Feldkamp
Actress Sophia Bush posted an Instagram story with the caption, “Pride is important because tonight, some people believe they’d rather die than be themselves.” Since then, I’ve seen it shared many times, and it makes me think about why people feel so strongly about hiding their identity. I’ve always struggled with assumptions that start in childhood. Adults make assumptions about a child’s sexual orientation long before they realize it for themselves, and therein lies the problem.
If you’ve never come out, there’s no need for you to. I grew up surrounded by relatives who would ask me if I had a crush on a boy or if I had a boyfriend. They were just assumptions. I hated it. Not necessarily because I was queer, but just because I wanted the freedom to choose what the people in my life meant to me without being ridiculed or judged. The people being teased are rarely the ones who actually enjoy being teased, no matter what the topic.
When I became a mother, I made sure to not do that to my own children. I always spoke to them with the mentality that they had a choice. From an early age, they knew they were free to love whoever they wanted. Someone once asked me about my daughter’s best friend, who happened to be a boy. They wondered aloud if they were more than friends. I replied, “I’m not sure yet if she likes boys that way,” to which I received a sharp and frightening response: “You’re making her gay.”
No, it’s not. Not at all. It made her home a safe place and let her know that we didn’t expect anything from her. We never had a serious “coming out” conversation, like, “Mom, I’m attracted to this person.” No, it was just, “Mom, this is the person for me and I love this person.” I get it, I’m so glad you found love.
that’s it.
It starts with laying the groundwork with very simple things like not categorizing toys, clothes, and activities by gender. My daughter likes Legos, and my son has long hair that he wears in barrettes. These items were and still are gender neutral in our house. We don’t tease or hint at a crush on someone. It’s not something we observe or comment on. When my son was told by his peers that he has a “girly” hairstyle, I asked him, “Who decides what a girl looks like?” Spoiler alert: It’s up to each individual to decide how they want to look, regardless of gender.
When my children are ready to tell me about their attractions and crushes, I will be ready to listen, support and guide them through their new experiences without judgement or fear. This is not only how to raise gay children, but also how to raise great allies who feel safe for LGBTQ+ people in our community. Judgement and ridicule start at home and are taught at home. But if we are truly going to have safe and loving homes, they must be homes that welcome you, no matter who you are or who you love.
The outside world will throw a lot of opposition at anyone’s path. Home should be a place where you know you are loved. Home should be your refuge when the world is cold.
This Pride Month, let’s make the commitment to break down the so-called closets in our homes. Let’s challenge assumptions and give our children the freedom to learn about who they are. Let’s give them the opportunity to get to know and love all the things that make them who they are.
— Bonnie Jean Feldkamp is a syndicated columnist for Creators.
